Top 5 Worst Directors of all Time

30Apr09

 by The Great White Gypsy

1.  M. Night Shayamalan

The Sixth Sense was freaking awesome, with an eerie atmosphere, and one of the best plot twists up to that point.  Everything M. Night has done since then has sucked balls.  Unbreakable was the worst superhero film ever (“They call me Mr. Glass.” Are you fucking serious?).  Signs was retarded, the Village had a lot of potential, but of course he fucked it up.  Lady in the Water?  Won’t even discuss it.  And now he’s running out of titles.  The Happening.  How vague.  He is actually a great director technically; he’s had amazing scenes in every film he’s done.  His problem is he sucks at writing, and he writes all the films he directs.  No more plot twists, for the love of god!  They are all fucking awful, and he’s taken at least 12 hours from my life that I can’t get back.  And appearing in his own films?  Hitchcock was a genius; you sir, are an ass.

 

2.  Wes Anderson

Jason Schwartzman may have been a funny, successful actor if Anderson hadn’t thrown him under the Darjeeling Limited.  This is a guy who thinks he’s edgy and indie and inspired.  None of his films are indie; just because Touchstone hasn’t been big since the ‘80’s doesn’t make you a starving artist.  His camera work is rigid, his characters are unbelievable, and he can’t decide if he wants to be funny or dramatic.  The best part about his films is the music, but that doesn’t save him.  You want to be artsy and independent? Grab a Super 8 camera and film something in your basement.  And if I hear one more person say, “it’s just an intelligent kind of humor”, I will punch you in the face.

 

3.  Oliver Stone

Just because this guy’s father never loved him, and his favorite history professor gave him C’s through college, doesn’t mean I have to suffer for two hours.  What is it about this guy that is redeeming?  Platoon was not as good as everyone thinks it was.  Wall Street was the only good film he ever made.  Natural Born Killers was a Tarantino script, and Stone still fucked it up.  Every single movie he makes, it’s like he’s saying, “Look at me professor, I got facts right, give me a cookie!  Look daddy, I superimposed Joe Namath over Jamie Foxx, do you love me yet?”  I would be more upset about his political adgenda (Nixon, W, JFK, World Trade), but he’s just such a douchebag, I’ve stopped caring.  I can’t wait for Born on the 5th of July.

 

4.  David Cronenberg

Am I the only one who remembers that this guy started out making bullshit B movies like The Fly and Videodrome?  In the mid ‘90’s, he tried to be more introspective with social commentaries like Crash and eXistenz, and he failed.  Now, he’s adapting graphic novels into uninspired films, and people are inviting him to the Oscars? Fuck that.  A History of Violence was a dumb movie, and so was Eastern Promises.  His violence and fighting is so scripted it’s ridiculous.  I really think he’s just coming up with different excuses to see Viggo Mortensen naked.  His films are predictable and monotonous; he should see if Viggo’s willing to be in The Fly III.

 

5.  Joe Wright

This asshole is the most pretentious thing to come out of Hollywood in decades.  He’s like that friend you hate because you know he’s not intelligent or artistic, but he pretends so well because he wants to sleep with your girlfriend.  It’s as if he started with Pride and Prejudice, and now he’s stuck in Jane Austen mode, and we can’t turn him off.  His most recent project (The Soloist) was actually a true story; a heartfelt, inspiring, real story about music, and he turned it into Atonement 2.  I actually feel insulted watching his camera work, and the bullshit artsy scenes he throws in at random.  For the love of God, someone turn him off before he makes Die Hard 5: No More Sensibility.



One Response to “Top 5 Worst Directors of all Time”

  1. 1 Jim

    Wow, you’re a moron.


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